Achieving a Balance
Most people don’t know how to say no.
The phone rings, Margaret, suffering from kidney disease answers it and brightly greats a friend.
“Hello Alice, how’s everything?”
“How are you feeling Magsy?”
“Much better and you?”
“Well, I’ve got to attend a funeral, would you watch Dorothy and Jane for the afternoon. I’ll pay you back Wed.”
“Well, I don’t know—let me call you back.”
That’s what Margaret says, but what she is thinking goes something like this, “How can I do it? I’ll get worn out and have to spend the next day in bed. How can I turn Alice down? She’s done so much for me, and Dorothy and Jane aren’t that hard to watch—“
In desperation she telephones her husband at work hoping he’ll give her an excuse. Vainly she looks for headache, anything.
Finally she calls Alice back. “I’m sorry Alice. I’m just not feeling well.”
Probably Alice understands, but Maggie worries until she really does have a headache.
Let’s take a look first of all at the conversation—
A simple, “I’m sorry—I’m afraid I can’t, Alice” as her first response would have settled things and made both parties feel better about the answer. Avoiding too much explanation will keep Alice from feeling guilty. A simple direct “No,” will save Margaret’s guilty feeling as well. As it is, Margaret will go on all evening probably all night, wondering whether she could have tended Alice’s children after all, perhaps, they’d have played outdoors the whole time and she could have rested. “What must Alice think?”
Much better that Margaret determines two things. First she might try babysitting once or twice. If it is too much, she makes a rule. Margaret doesn’t babysit.
The first time Alice asks she simply says, “I’m sorry Alice. I home differently with my health and I never babysit, sometimes it’s just too much for me.”
Probably, Alice won’t ask again and before long word will get around.
On the other hand, Margaret may find that she enjoys Alice’s children. It’s important for everyone to be needed and if she can tend them with no trouble perhaps she should do it.
Having second thoughts about a “no” is better than second thoughts about “yes.” The important thing is to say no when you feel you must. Say it at once and don’t torture yourself with hours or days of self-doubt and rationalization. After all if Margaret had had an appointment at the beauty shoppe she wouldn’t have hesitated. It isn’t more important than her health.
A famous and wise physician once gave me this cryptic rule to live by, “When in doubt—don’t!” It comes in very handy. Which brings me to another point.
Most chronically ill people who strive for a balanced life are more like a pendulum then the posed ballerina. They swing continually between extremes—overdoing it and doing nothing—usually as recuperation. The desirable midpoint is passed through but never actually attained as a stable and unchanging way of life.
J.D. often wonders, as his wife shovels the snow from the walk, if he doesn’t use his illness as an excuse—the idea hurts him—actually it’s probably just getting easier to follow “doctor’s orders.” Sometimes there does loom the temptation to cheat—he hates the busybodies. When they invite him for a weekend at their cabin he pllads off—his heart. It’s a very fine line—sometimes he doesn’t know himself what his nature really is.
It doesn’t help either that he sees the doctor every six weeks. He has all the fears that normal people have, but more often than the average—his fears are well founded. This often leads to a violent battle with hypochondria. Sometimes he re-reacts and stops telling the doctor his symptoms.